Too busy to write

but not too busy to shamelessly rip off an entire post off of Jay Barnes all for you, the viewing audience. And possibly due to my apathy towards plagurism.

Eat Thy Corn

When I was in high school, my friends and I didn't have a whole lot to do. One night, we were in a supermarket for some reason. While waiting at the checkout counter I spotted a solitary ear of unhusked corn lying next to conveyer belt. To impress my friends, I decided to buy it. I like people to think of me as the kind of guy who just randomly buys corn for no reason. I'm going places, man. There are a lot of ingredients that go into this mixing bowl we call life, and unhusked corn from PathMark is the one that's going in today, NO ARGUMENTS.

Anyway, as we made our way outside we began discussing what the fate of the corn might be:

"Hey, we could cook it! Then we could eat the sweet sweet corn."

Boring.

"Hey! LETS SMASH IT! SMASH! SMASH the corn! HAHA Smash! Smash?"

Pedestrian.

"How about we THROW IT AT SOMEBODY! Or how about a DRIVE-BY CORNING!"

And so it was.

While we drove around, I came up with the idea that when the corn was thrown, it was necessary to yell "EAT THY CORN! FISHMONGER!" in a British accent at the victim.

This would serve 4 purposes:

1. The person who the corn was hurled at would know what was thrown at them.

2. The person who the corn was thrown at would be especially offended because it was thrown by British people.

3. The person who the corn was thrown at would be especially confused since the said British person is insulting them as if they were in the seventeenth century -- and let's be honest, nobody wants that.

4. If said person was so offended by the corn-hurling that they felt it necessary to notify the authorities, they would be looking for a car full of vegetable-wielding british people from the seventeenth century.

Or something like that. The purposes didn't have to make sense, they just had to be funny. So fuck you.

I also decided that we should not husk the corn, because it's especially offensive to be hit by unhusked corn as opposed to husked corn. We were so badass we weren't even going to go through the trouble of husking the corn. That's how badass we were. Bad. Ass.

We drove around for a while and finally happened upon a man walking his dog. As planned, I exclaimed "EAT THY CORN, FISHMONGER!" as I released the corn, missing him by a rather large margin -- kind of on purpose. I really didn't have the heart to hit some random innocent guy or his dog with corn. Let me tell you, though; It's not easy to aim corn at someone walking at a normal pace from a fast moving vehicle anyway. And don't go saying I never taught you nothin'.

Another day we repeated the same process, but with a Belgian endive. My thinking there was that it's one thing to hit by corn, but it's entirely another to be hit by a rogue expensive vegetable from Belgium. Plus, you probably don't even know what it is. Then, you can't even get satisfaction out of exclaiming:

"Oh no! I've been hit by corn! You hooligans!"

Instead you'd have to say something like

"Oh no! I've been hit by vegetable matter and I don't even know what it is! Boy am I stupid."

Which is much, much worse.

Story and web site (c) jay barnes.
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